Clenched fists to bed

May has finally come to an end, an end possibly to the ordeal that lasted for a month. Much has been unveiled, revisited, stirred up, hardened, left aside. The events have marked another milestone deserving of a post, one that will serve as a reminder in the years to come.

Looking back at the previous post, i find little similarity to what has been said before, the anger, the anguish, the despair. At most, the situation(s) have exacerbated, growing at somewhat alarming rates which is a foreshadow of the things to come in the later months.

Somehow, I am hesitant to list down the events that transpired, that led to turmoil and conflict within. Somehow still unwilling to reflect on the events, the achievements, the things i’ve done, perhaps to leave it to rest.

No matter, i echo the words i’ve said which seemed to be the only in-depth words that churned out of my mouth this month. Have transcended beyond using ‘feel like’ to accepting the facts of the matter. I am living alone, day by day, trying to survive. Life has just so little meaning, there is no purpose when living alone. It’s a sense of isolation, desertion, self desertion or that of around me. Human beings are made to be sociable creatures, needing one another for interaction, for companionship etc. Prisoners who display ill behaviour are sent to isolation cells, 4 walls surrounding them in a tight, cold corner, locked up.  It has proven an effective method as nobody can withstand isolation from fellow human beings. The same concept has been portrayed in many movies, one of which is “I am Legend” where the protagonist lives in a city where all its inhabitants are wiped out by an epidemic. He cracks at certain points and displays erratic behaviour due to that sense of  isolation. Though it maybe just a movie, I believe it reflects quite accurately the results of lack of human interaction.

I write this with great emotion within though it may not seem so. The 4 walls surrounding me are my best friends. With a heavy heart, a myriad of questions and doubts in my mind, and clenched fists, i drifted off to sleep the other night.

Hi once more

Have decided to go back to writing, well for a couple of reasons. One of which is that you (jojobaba.wordpress) is the only one who can read what i want to say. Been more than a year since i last posted. Many things have changed of course, for better for worse. But right now, i don’t even know who i am anymore. In such a short period of time, drastic changes can take place. Significant changes made to alter personality, behaviour, attitude. One thing for sure i’m clear of, that is a destiny that lies ahead of me, of being with myself. The signs were so clear all throughout my life, just that i failed to realise it. Being able to do things on my own, going to India myself, what i’ve ‘achieved’ in school, work etc, the responses i get from friends, it can’t get any more obvious, that i’m really nothing. Or other reasons.

Too much reliance on people. Perhaps i’ve been fooling myself that perhaps i’ve done some things right at times. Relying on what other people say and believing that above what i say about myself, contradictory of course. And then there is nmw which proves well nothing much. But shows how stupidly vulnerable i was, to have what i could have but turned out to be a joke.

Since young, i’ve always wanted attention from somewhere due to some idiotic part of me called personality. Might have gotten some pockets of it even more during poly. But somehow i’ve grown to not bother or desire it that much recently which further prepares me for what lies ahead. You may think that this idiot here is totally contradicting himself by posting here, attempting to seek help from somewhere.

But here’s the real deal. I deserve to be with myself, because i’ve not accomplished anything at all, there’s nothing particular about me at all despite all hard and foolish methods to do so. I asked for it, to be alone, like at my grandmother’s homegoing, i refused so many things, fooling myself, what a joke. I can’t do anything right, whatever i’ve done is shitty and washed down the drain. So get it right, please don’t bother with/about me. I need to be very much less dependent on people to prepare for what lies beyond.

I’ve always held strongly that i should settle my own issues and nobody should be involved because it is just a burden, why do you want to bother about an idiot like me. But no, i don’t see this way about others, if you have issues, please go to someone for help and talk it out. Doesn’t apply to me as i don’t wish anyone to be burdened by me. It’s too much to bear. So just don’t bother with me anymore, keep up the good work.

2 yrs begins now

Finally the time has come to serve my country. I shall take pride in what I do and do to the best of it. There’s no point sulking and cursing what you will be put through, so just try to see things positively, who knows it might help in someway. See ya all in 3 wks time

Quote

While reading a book, I came across this:

If finding God’s ways in the suddenness of storms makes our faith grow broad – then trusting God’s wisdom in the “dailyness” of living makes it grow deep. And strong. Whatever may be your circumstances – however long it may have lasted – wherever you maybe today, I bring you this reminder: The stronger the winds, the deeper the roots, and the longer the winds… the more beautiful the tree.

And I’m supposed to believe it…

Here comes an update

Hmmm… what can I write to update…

Am almost bored to the core with recent events such as my friends’ enlistment 3 weeks ago. So what am I trying to do to make the best of my free time?

Read, read and read. Still very much engrossed in fiction and reading discriminately which doesn’t bode well for ‘general reading’. Oh well, let me complete reading the series first. I would strongly recommend everyone to pickup or continue reading, be it for passing time, knowledge or entertainment. I believe it will still help somehow in sentences as well as vocabulary. Personally, I prefer reading something while on the train to staring into blank space or even playing with my handphone. For one, time passes much faster than I would realize and two I benefit somehow, be it one stop or 12 stops. Now that’s a good habit to keep.

Vocabulary exercises, yes, vital to expanding one’s vocabulary of course and more significantly, to prepare for the SAT. In a way, doing badly in my final semester and pulling my overall gpa down is an incentive to bucking up for the future. Therefore, I am serious about getting a place in the university. To exacerbate the situation, both my applications to the local universities failed. The key to ensuring that the words remain active in the mind is to constantly and repeatedly remind and review the words in my daily conversations as well as to engage in slightly more ‘intelligent’ conversations. What I mean by that is to put more thought into speaking and not say things for the sake of saying, which I am very fond of.

Cti garage just ended last Friday. What a big relief as it was my first time in charge of logistics in the area of food. Thankfully there weren’t any problems and the food was equally distributed. A big thanks to the helpers from church who helped to barbecue. A round table was rendered useless when I filled in ice into a dispenser which was laid at the edge of it. Whole table came crashing down, unfortunately onto my lower leg as I tried to save the drink from spilling. Sigh… There will be a post-evaluation where I guess I’m going to comment a lot. Heh.

Work, work. Thanks to a friend in yfc, I managed to be a facilitator for her during the workshops conducted at secondary schools. Now it seems, I’m needed as a trainer, double the pay, double the prestige, double the responsibility… double the stress… no doubt. But it could be fun, taking charge of these delinquent upstarts and seeing a reflection of my past, being oblivious to consequences and what the future holds. Kicking off this Thursday as an excursion around the old Singapore.

I’m glad for my good friend who at least has a chance to interact with his special someone in mind though whether his actions are requited or not is another issue. I would very much like to say unfortunately for me but oh well. Oh I just said it. Heh.
A big reminder in today’s sermon that God is still in control. A nail hitting part is about the unanswered prayers where we think that we want God to act when He has already done so in other ways. Perhaps I’ll just have to attune my eyes and ears to see what is in front of me. Finally I understand that Trust is not an easy thing to do.
Whew… I wrote so much, and still thought that there would be nothing to write..

Shouttttinggg non stop

For the past 2 days, I’ve been doing a facilitator job. Sounds big but I’d rather use the term ‘crowd controller’. In case you’re wondering what ‘crowd’ this refers to, and why the need to shout, yes they are secondary school students. For the second school I went to, today, most of the activities were held in the hall unlike the previous day where the location was more closed up. Because of that, I had to shout, scream whatever to provide the instructions. A teacher’s job is very tough, on top of preparing and teaching the lessons. Nevertheless, I had fun with the students.  Almost lost my voice..

How interesting, for someone to dig into their inbox for a particular email.

Straight off my mind

Seeing the activity on my blog, I think the readers deserve better than to read old news. On top of that, I need to keep updating this blog so as to preserve it and perhaps maintain the standard of English.. by writing… properly..

Hmmm.. what’s there to talk about today….

It seems that there is a lot of conflicts going on in the country next door now. First it was the fuel price hike that shot by a sizeable amount overnight, followed by rioting in the capital city and protests. Next was a vote of confidence. And now, there is more drama occurring there linking to a prominent figure there. In fact, this might be another recurrence of what happened 10 years ago.

I asked a friend living there and he told me that what’s going on now is more interesting than TV serials. Why of course, one is reality and the other is made up stories. Two big parties are involved here, the stakes are high. It would be very shocking if the government were to be wrong in this area. On the other hand, it can really destroy this person’s life and his political party.

Come to think of it, I’m grateful that our country’s leaders are reliable, capable accomplished and trustworthy. That’s the reason why only the elite can become ministers and rule the country. When I was in India, I heard news about the country’s politicians being corrupted and rampant. Not many qualifications are required to take part in politics. I believe through Tata tea’s Jaago Re campaign, India is slowing waking up.

Did a video shoot at e.h earlier today. Too bad I’m not a media student if not my performance could have been better. Speaking of which, I somehow regretted choosing the course I wanted in year 2. Should have went in pursuit of what I was really interested in, during sec 4. Kudos to laziness for not going through the written test and interview. This time round, I’d better consider real hard as to what degree to pursue… and where…

Work is coming in, which is kinda good. Powerpoints, meetings, calling, interacting, scouting for things, preparing logistics etc. And yes of course running. Am quite thankful that I take lesser time to recover from my lapse in running for a month plus. Hopefully by September, I’d have established a good timing for my time in Tekong. Going to post up some pics of a gathering soon. Some of these folks are entering NS next week, all the best to them.